I went to Lauren's place last night with Lee and watched Takashi Miike's Audition with them and Loro's boyfriend Thomas. It was great. Especially for a Friday the 13th. I can't wait to see Ichi the Killer with them. Oh, and Visitor Q! I don't think I've ever known anyone who can sit through his movies and enjoy them with me, rather than be grossed out and run away. hah! ^_^ Yay! Hurray for sick fuckers!



I panicked at work just before 5:00pm on friday and ended up calling my doctor to schedule an appointment so that I could get back onto my medication. I thought I would be fine without it. After all, it's been about a month now. My eyes water at the mere mentioning of something upsetting and I've been getting frustrated really easily. Whether I like it or not, I'm going to need to stay on it. Hopefully not forever. I just started to become really worried because orientation for Chili's has begun and this coming two weeks are going to be full-on training. I can't afford to lose it since I already gave my notice in at the shop. I went on a shopping spree at work to get a few things I've had my eye on so that I could still get a discount. :D Is that bad? Meh.

Off to feed my darling iggy, Donna.

I am in love with you and it is no fun.

It just won't cease. What do I do? I'll just continue to watch you from afar and hope that you will see it, too? Or maybe you won't and continue to let this gap widen? Maybe you will laugh at me and call me a fool. Maybe you will stop talking to me like I think has already happened? You perplex me. I don't think I would have it any other way, though ..... to be perfectly honest. I will just wait patiently for something that may never come. It seems so far out of reach but I will still sit by the sidelines, waiting for that small chance. My heart is so heavy.

.....

I don't know who is who anymore and so I slide by daily with a watchful eye on those around to make sure they don't pull their knife on me. It is so cutthroat here. Here in the United States or here in Life? You decide. One of my only friends that I have made since I moved here has been making me so upset. I moved out of Tiana's house mainly because I became so uncomfortable it made my skin crawl. I tried to be a good roommate and a friend but apparently I'm just a pest. I don't understand what I did that was so horrible.. it has me torn among other things.

I decided against moving to Tallahassee last minute because I had barely any money. I regret it but with a little planning maybe I can move farther away.. out of this state. Out of this country, out of this world. Into the stars. I wish. I moved back into my parents' guest room temporarily. They were practically begging me to come back and once I did, resumed the usual belittling. I'm in the process of looking for a place.. and a roommate. A friend I made from work, Misha, has a friend who needs a roommate but he's very homophobic and racist. How can I fucking room with him? I'm running out of time and options so that's probably what I'll be doing. Why won't you come room with me?

.....

I've started classes again. It feels good to be surrounded by books and knowledge. It makes me feel like there is direction in life and it is full of purpose. I started walking to my classes the first day and felt my chest tighten. Anxiety stricken, I walked frantically to class and sat down. It came out of the blue. I wonder when I will ever be able to conquer this. I really feel I'm making progress though. I care less and less what people think. That line reminds me of Ani. Maybe because I can't stop listening to her.

There has been some major office drama going on at work. I was promoted to Assistant Manager but they are a bunch of bullshitters. I don't want to be a part of it. I ended up finding another job. A waitress job at Chili's that has it's grand opening the end of this month. I haven't told my supervisor yet. I'm scared. Will I be able to confidently put my foot on the ground? Training starts tomorrow but I won't be working there full time until the week of the 19th. They offer tuition assistance, medical and dental which is nice.

I'm going to go buy some work shoes and maybe get a haircut. It's grown out very long now.

I'm dumb.

It comes and goes like undulating waves. I'm either really down or really content. The very fact that I'm not down for months at a time is pretty nice, though. So I'm considering it an improvement.

I decided to move to Tallahassee. I don't feel I have anything to lose by leaving this town. If not that, I feel I have more to gain by picking up and going. All my shit is still in boxes in my friend's house so I'm kind of eager to get out of her and her boyfriend's hair. I feel like a burden even though I try to keep quiet and pay as much as they ask for rent.

I've been out to the gay bar a few times and went to Spinnaker's for Halloween. It was fun, I guess. I don't really know what else to call it. I was surrounded by a bunch of acquaintances rather than good friends so I think that's why I felt like something was incomplete. I hope that aspect of things will change someday. People make the world go round and regardless of how much you try to shut them out, they're always going to be affecting you from the moment you wake up. So 'shut the fuck up and get used to it' is what I've been saying to myself.

I'm in limbo at the moment and neither really positive or down. I expect things to pick up as soon as I leave this house to go get groceries. I'll feel like a working citizen contributing to society then.

I can't wait to meet my roommates in Tally. I've only briefly met them. Maybe this is a change for the best. Either way, you never know until you take that leap. At least I'm growing the balls to do it and trying to make something better for myself.

I feel sad and sometimes angst lately for the few people I've opened up to and learned to love and really care for. I just want to best for them but I'm scared to say anything in fear of upsetting them and ruining everything that could have been or is or was. I don't know what to do and the only person I feel I could get the truth and best advice from is the source of my sadness. If that makes sense. I'd elaborate but I really need to get some food, we're running on our last canned goods.

Off to the supermarket, then work.

Hope everyone is happy and safe. <3 I'm feeling content with life at this very moment and I hope you are, too.

James Hillman
"If you are still being hurt by an event that happened to you at twelve, it is the thought that is hurting you now."

William James
"To change one's life: 1. Start immediately, 2. Do it flamboyantly, 3. No exceptions."

With Love,
Christine

I'm moving out. Again. I guess I'm kinda surprised I managed to last nearly an entire year under my father, ahem, my master's tyranny. Yes, he is a tyrant. The fucking Anti-Christ.

I swear on my life, I really tried to make it work. I ignored so many things and brushed them off. But the truth is, we can only get along when we're not under the same roof. The constant belittling, mind games, lack of privacy with my mail/belongings and threats must grind to a halt or I will fucking kill somebody. Most likely myself. I look forward to having self-confidence and less stress. Paying rent is most certainly worth my sanity.

I will not be moving back in. Not while I'm alive and kicking, that is. I said that the last time I moved out... but not knowing anyone in the U.S.A. kinda limited my options when I moved here. I will live on the streets as a crack whore before I ever move back in. We all get along so well when we're not living together. It's really amazing, actually. I look forward to that as well.

Over half of my belongings are packed up in boxes that I picked up from work last night. I left them in my trunk until I was awoken by screaming threats from my father at 6AM this morning. I bit back and he told me to pack my shit and leave. The look on his face when I said that sounded like a good idea and went to my car to actually retrieve my boxes was absolutely priceless. In a matter of minutes, he suddenly wanted to help. "Do you need any money?" "Want any help with that?" "If you need anything, just let me know." Et cetera. Et cetera. Unfuckingbelievable. I haven't heard him say any of those words since I ran out and moved last year.

But that's all behind us now. Wish me luck on finding a decent place to call home.

Cheers to a new beginning.

wee! I got my Marilyn piercing last night. :) I like it. Tiana and my sister went with me to Tracers because Tiana is friends with the girl who was working up front. It's kinda bloody and sore right now but it'll go away soon. I'm on medication and I think it thins my blood which is why it wouldn't stop I bet. Tiana and I are going back in October (that's the plan, anyway) to get our tattoooos done. :)) Joy!! I'm starting a back piece. I can't wait.

Anywho, I hope the destruction from the hurricane doesn't take any lives. =| I've never seen a storm that huge on radar. My school shut down today but it's barely even raining. Just really windy. Good thing though, I didn't print out my homework. =D bwahaha.

I'm gonna go catch up on some reading. I bought that anatomy coloring book and some color pencils, too. Yay.

I'll update later about my indecision on choosing my Halloween costume. We got a shitload in at the shop and they're all so cute!

Love,
me

I have completely neglected this thing for too long.. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel that things are going rather smoothly and I don't have a whole lot to bitch about. Or maybe it's because I've been venting to Tiana so I feel that I have someone listening to me.

Let's see.. I found a new job at an adult novelty shop. It's pretty cool. For the most part, people are really nice. It's kinda weird though. People expect you to be experienced with every dildo and nipple clamp in the place and I've never even been in an adult store until I started working there. I wasn't looking for a job there either. It just kinda happened since I was applying to every healthcare and retail store that had help wanted ads in the paper. What's cool is most of the other girls are just like me, in that they just kind of landed in their jobs and have no experience with all of it.

I met my net friend, Dan. He is one cool dude. Yay! Very laid back, which is nice. I like him. We went skimboarding a few times (which I suck at). He got me hooked onto Family Guy and World of Warcraft. I feared the day I would start playing MMORPG again. ^_^ It's really fun and I'm trying hard to not become obsessed. I have a level 21 warlock on a PVP server. PVP is so fucking awesome. I can't believe for all those years I wasn't on one in Everquest! I like killing people! It's pure eeeevilll. Grin.

I signed up for classes at the very last minute, which was yesterday. I paid nearly every penny I had saved up for a Political Science class and the Anatomy & Physiology, plus Lab. It was expensive. I vow to start saving right now for classes this spring so that I can get first pick! :p I'm having to take a dvd course on the A&P which really sucks. I'm gonna have to get my ass in gear. The Poli-Sci and A&P Lab are at the school so I should be alright for those. Hmm.. yea.. it feels good to be back in school I guess. I'm excited about A&P. I swung by Books-A-Million today and saw a coloring book for Anatomy. I'm thinking about getting it since I'm pretty visual when it comes to learning. I'll have to wait for my next paycheck.

Uhh.. I'm running out of pills and I keep forgetting to call the doc to set up an appointment. In fact, I'm going to go do that right after this before I blow it off again. I've been feeling really anxious and nervous which is weird since I have absolutely nothing to be worried about now that I think about it. It's almost like paranoia. I'm just waiting for someone to start yelling at me at all times or something. I bought a book called I'm OK, You're OK. I know, sounds dumb, but it was on the best-sellers list and it's supposed to help you come to terms with your own sense of self. I've read the first three pages. Let's see if I get through it with all the reading for school, too.

I'm paranoid about answering my phone again. It's pretty much on silent mode and answering machine at all times. This one dude from work, Stan, keeps calling me. Even though he's pretty cool and stuff, I don't really feel comfortable with his friend he's always with cause he's constantly trying to get closer to me. It wouldn't bother me so much, but he's kind of gangster-ish/hot-rod-riding/full of himself. Avoiding probably isn't the nicest thing to do, but I have a hard time telling people no in fear of hurting their feelings. :| They're cool to talk to at work, but that's about it. Maybe I'm giving the wrong impression or something. I probably seem like a bitch for not answering all day but, is there any way out of it? I guess I could give a lame excuse.

Wow. I worry far too much about what others think of me. That needs to change. Someday.

I have work in two hours so I better make an appointment for the doc and go take a shower.

-Christine

P.S.
I've been getting FAT since I stopped waitressing. HAHA! Time to start running (again).

Is this sucker gonna hit us or what? My dad and I boarded up all the windows and so far the plan is to leave this afternoon if it picks up speed after Cuba. It slowed down a lot, but apparently weird things happen when hurricanes travel through the Gulf. Tornadoes and flooding are our biggest threat besides the hurricane I think. Supposedly to the east of the hurricane is where all of the tornaders develop and wreak havoc. We shall see...

And before I forget. I'm on a mission. mouhaha. Mmmm... *slurp*

Holy Fuxxor. My dad and I might be leaving this shithole if Mr. Dennis decides to keep heading our way. It's one mile away from being a Category VI. Category VI's are supposed to be known to tear rooftops off of houses.

I hope it dissipates, doesn't hit us, and no one gets hurt.

K, that's all I guess.

I swear, I don't know if I'm going to last too much longer here. I hate this fucking redneck town. A lot of people are cool, but most are motherfucking racist morons who probably couldn't tell you they've ever been more than thirty miles away from here. H8 h8 h8. Fuck fuck fuck. If it wasn't for the outrageous costs of out-of-state tuition I would have been long-gone by now. I'm thinking about moving somewhere else in Florida if I can get my financial aid to go through. It probably won't be until next year though. Who am I fooling? I'm broke. I'll probably be here until I can at least transfer with my degree. Damn. I just want to finish. Degrees take so long to complete.

I've been boohooing a lot lately for no particularly good reason. Mainly just when I'm by myself in the house. I sit around and think too hard about things and people and myself. I've just been lying on my bed or on the sofa with the fan on. At least I think I'm getting better at being a decent human being. I'm less likely to shy away from people. But then again I keep falling back into hermit mode and I don't answer phone calls and shut myself in my room. It's getting to be less frequent but it still bothers me that I shut out the world a lot.

It really sucks because Cherito left today for San Diego. We basically spent the whole day running her and Jeff's last minute errands. We hung out with Krystel and Tiana a while, too. It sucks so hard because it feels like we were just getting to be really close friends and now she's leaving. She was the glue that held us all together and dragged all of us out. Krystel's going back to Tally-ho pretty soon for school. Tiana's trying to get a job at the same store with me so we can see each other more often. Her and her boyfriend just moved into a new place so I really want to get them a housewarming gift. ^_^ They're really into reggae so I might go down by the beach to one of the shops that are the same company as the one I work for. That way I can get a 40% discount. Booya. They have super cute stuff!

My glasses are still waiting for me at the shop in the mall, too. Fuckin' A. I didn't have the money to pay for them because I had a few bills to pay but I'm thinking about going straight there to get them after I get my paycheck on Monday. >_< Grr... I really need them! I'm so BLIND! I can't even read road signs! Poopy!

And now.. I'm going to stop being a whiny little bitch and go take a shower. And clean the house since my dad's a slob and my mom and sister are in Okinawa for a month. I wanted to go see Bewitched but Michaelangelo is busy and Tiana can't come since her boyfriend is incredibly jealous and needy. Dang, I sure don't miss that. I swear, if I ever start dating someone who won't let me have my own friends and let me out of the house without being cuffed to their leg (AGAIN) I'm going to scream and run away like my hair's on fire. (Remember I said that *ties string to finger*) I'd rather be alone. K? Thanks.



Which reminds me.. I've been thinking. I don't think I ever want another boyfriend until they can be confident enough to let me have a little room to breathe and at the same time be secure enough to trust me. I just want someone who can give back what I give them. Loyalty and trust seem to be nonexistant nowadays. And if that kinda person doesn't exist or I never meet them, then fuck it. I'd rather be alone. I'll just pursue my nursing career and enjoy life to the utmost by myself until I drop dead. Fuck everyone. Goddamnit. I hate people.

And I didn't mean for this to turn into an angsty post. Whoops. Time to do laundry, take a bath and think about making something crafty. Weeee, fun!

Au revoir.