I am in love with you and it is no fun.

It just won't cease. What do I do? I'll just continue to watch you from afar and hope that you will see it, too? Or maybe you won't and continue to let this gap widen? Maybe you will laugh at me and call me a fool. Maybe you will stop talking to me like I think has already happened? You perplex me. I don't think I would have it any other way, though ..... to be perfectly honest. I will just wait patiently for something that may never come. It seems so far out of reach but I will still sit by the sidelines, waiting for that small chance. My heart is so heavy.

.....

I don't know who is who anymore and so I slide by daily with a watchful eye on those around to make sure they don't pull their knife on me. It is so cutthroat here. Here in the United States or here in Life? You decide. One of my only friends that I have made since I moved here has been making me so upset. I moved out of Tiana's house mainly because I became so uncomfortable it made my skin crawl. I tried to be a good roommate and a friend but apparently I'm just a pest. I don't understand what I did that was so horrible.. it has me torn among other things.

I decided against moving to Tallahassee last minute because I had barely any money. I regret it but with a little planning maybe I can move farther away.. out of this state. Out of this country, out of this world. Into the stars. I wish. I moved back into my parents' guest room temporarily. They were practically begging me to come back and once I did, resumed the usual belittling. I'm in the process of looking for a place.. and a roommate. A friend I made from work, Misha, has a friend who needs a roommate but he's very homophobic and racist. How can I fucking room with him? I'm running out of time and options so that's probably what I'll be doing. Why won't you come room with me?

.....

I've started classes again. It feels good to be surrounded by books and knowledge. It makes me feel like there is direction in life and it is full of purpose. I started walking to my classes the first day and felt my chest tighten. Anxiety stricken, I walked frantically to class and sat down. It came out of the blue. I wonder when I will ever be able to conquer this. I really feel I'm making progress though. I care less and less what people think. That line reminds me of Ani. Maybe because I can't stop listening to her.

There has been some major office drama going on at work. I was promoted to Assistant Manager but they are a bunch of bullshitters. I don't want to be a part of it. I ended up finding another job. A waitress job at Chili's that has it's grand opening the end of this month. I haven't told my supervisor yet. I'm scared. Will I be able to confidently put my foot on the ground? Training starts tomorrow but I won't be working there full time until the week of the 19th. They offer tuition assistance, medical and dental which is nice.

I'm going to go buy some work shoes and maybe get a haircut. It's grown out very long now.