Right now:
Life is good. My mind and heart are at peace. I love myself. I'm excited about my near and distant future, full of new experiences and surprises. I want to be his friend. Only time will tell.

b. e. a. yootiful lyrics to a beautiful song.

well i wish i had a parachute
cause i'm falling bad for you
and i can see the ground approaching now
but I'm not sure what to do
i feel like the pinata
won't you take a swing at me
if you could just crack the shell open
i think inside you would find something sweet

and i hear you're like a hunter now
your footsteps in the leaves
and i would gladly leave my hiding place
i'm hoping to be seen
so let your arrow fly and sing
i'm well within your aim
and lay your traps for a thousand miles
please don't let me escape

winter came to omaha
and left us looking like a bride
a million perfect snowflakes now
and no two are alike
and so it's hard for me imagining
the flaws in this design
i know debris it covers everything
but still i am in love
with this life

Bright Eyes, Theme from Pinata

I think I'm finally starting to see life through a more focused lens.. Or maybe it's just a lucky phase, I don't know. It's definitely a good start to a self-transformation for the better. It feels like every month of the past year or so has each had it's own life changing event that has really made me reflect on who I am and what I've become. It's really made me realize that deep down I've always known what kind of person I want to grow into - what everyone would like to see themselves as. I guess it kind of relates to the whole Social Identity Theory. To me, the theory tries to explain that we all have our own vision of ourselves and how we would like to be perceived in the world, but rarely are we actually viewed in that way. And that many of us go through life never achieving that ideal. Did that make sense?..

It's not all about how others perceive you that I'm feeling though.. it's the fact that I feel like I haven't been my true self in an incredibly long time. And when I say 'true self' I mean by my actions and words socially and to myself in my mind. It's almost like I got thrown off the beaten path and taken through a detour. But I wouldn't change anything in my life. I've learned so much about myself, whether it was the hard way or not, and about other people and life in general. I'd be a very different person if all of my life events, good and bad, didn't happen to me when they did, how they did and the way they did.

I'm finally learning healthy self-respect and security in my own mind and body. All through the help of others. There's no way I could have ever done it on my own. I would have eventually driven myself to a sure suicide. Humans are such social creatures, whether they want to be or not. We would all die without one another.

I don't know where I was going with this.. but now I'm sleepy and I have work early in the morning. Yes, I found a job. Not a nursing job but a job to bring in the dough, nonetheless. It's pretty cool because I kind of just stumbled on it and ended up getting hired the same day as my interview. So I'm pretty happy. The people are pretty laid-back and humble, which is a nice change of company.

Anyway, I'll continue this later... I need sleep and my face needs washing.

Good night.

I've finally had enough and decided to quit my shitty job. It kinda sucks because I kinda enjoyed working there if it wasn't for the horrible "management" and a lot of the cooks. I could have gotten upset and cried last night when my boss screamed at me in front of customers for no reason and later pulled all my tables right out from under me when it was absolutely not my fault for why he was pissed. But I didn't. Fuck him. I'm leaving soon anyway. People are always talking about quitting over there but I'm definitely following up on it this time. I knew it was going to come sooner or later.

It made me think of what I said when Cheri, Krystel and I went to Starbucks the other day. When I quit, I'm going to rip my kimono off, flick everyone off and run screaming, waving and frolicking out of the restaurant. =D They said they'd join me.

I'm going to put in a few applications to some nursing homes that Cheri used to work at. She said she'd help me out and tell me which ones have the best working environment and pay. I can't wait because it means that I'll be able to get certified as a CNA (Certified Nurse's Assistant)! Yea! I'm excited. >:]

She also helped me pick out some awesome glasses the other day. They're brown plastic with lines of baby blue in them! ^_^ I love it! My sis helped me pick out some sunglasses. They look kinda gangsta so no one will mess with me I hope. Mouhahaa.

I'm gonna miss Cheri, she's moving early July to San Diego.

The other night we went bowling and kicked some people's asses! And afterwards, we went to the beach and somehow ended up swimming in our clothes. T_T My car has sand in it everywhere now. It was lots of good fun. I found myself smiling and thinking about how much funner it could probably be if Mike was there. I donno why. He probably forgot what my name is by now. I miss his big hugs. It feels like the whole thing got severed at the torso and something's just not "finished." Suck. :(

Christine, dream on, you dork.

My grandparents called me today to say hello. I miss them. They just got back from a trip to Spain and France. I want to goooo! :) They sounded like they had fun.

I'm gonna go tidy my room and maybe make something to keep myself sane.

<3

Hum... :) I've been keeping pretty busy lately, which is good I guess. Mainly just work and sleep. I like staying busy cause it keeps my mind from thinking way too much about stuff.

Last weekend it was some dude's birthday at work so Cherito and Tiana dragged me out of the house. We ended up going to some strip club down by the beach. It was fun. We played a lot of pool, had a few drinks and watched the pretty ladies and ogling guys. I thought it was too cute when I asked Evan why he wasn't tipping with the rest of the guys and he said he'd save his dollar bills for his wife. XD hee! We all ended up splitting and I went with Cheri, Tiana and their boyfriends to Waffle House for a pecan waffle. mm mmmm.

On Tuesday, one of the cooks was leaving for a job in Arizona so Krystel, Cheri and I took him out to lunch at some Mexican restaurant. It was a bittersweet parting. Not that I knew him all that well. I'm not very fond of the dudes at work. But anyway, I ordered fried ice cream and what did I get?! A pile of vanilla ice cream with bread crumbs sprinkled on top! What the fuxxor!! ARRR! Oh well. Us girlies were supposed to go shopping afterwards but we all got called in to work because there was only one waitress for the night. I got called in the next day right before I was about to leave the house to get a haircut, too! Man, we need more waiters in a bad way.

Hmm.. So I got a haircut the other day. I was planning on just a trim but I ended up getting waves again. =D I kinda like it, but I'm still trying to figure out how to tame it in this humidity. It's been hot as fuck lately.

And.. I'm on a mission to get new glasses. Every time I plan on going to the optometrist I get distracted with something else or spend my designated "specs money."

I guess that's pretty much all I've been doing. A whole lot of staying home and playing with my art supplies. I'm gonna post some pics some day, I promise! I cut out some of the paintings from my 2004 Salvador Dali calendar and placed them in some rummaged frames. ^_^ They make my room look a lot better. Rar.

I'm gonna make some felt skulls with little pink ribbons on their heads tonight. Cuteness!

Oh! Yesterday there was a huge party of about 25 or so people because it was a surprise engagement dinner! We passed out roses and at the end of the meal, he proposed to his girlfriend! It was so SWEET! I got all teary-eyed just watching! ^_^ (She said yes by the way ;)

That's all for now.. I'll try to update more regularly and not just when I feel like letting off steam.

Love,
me

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Turquoise skirt
2. Glasses
3. My new choker


THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
1. A Japanese puppy calendar
2. Blank DVD-RWs
3. Ceramic baby alligators


THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Find solace and happiness
2. Travel the world
3. Get married and have kiddies


THREE GOOD WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
1. Easygoing and calm
2. Dorky
3. Nearly never hold grudges.


THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY:
1. Neurotic
2. Sometimes clueless
3. Gullible sucker


THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY:
1. My feet because they get me places.
2. My lips because I like kissing stuff.
3. My forearms because I like looking at them.


THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY:
1. My elf ears.
2. My super-sensitive skin.
3. My stomach.


THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU:
1. I hatehatehate it when people I don't reallyreally like or I'm not close to touch me. At all. Anywhere. It makes me irritated and I think evil thoughts.
2. I very rarely watch television. Too much mind-warping and commercials.
3. I think it's a major turn-off when people chew with their mouths open and food falls out. =/


THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
1. neato
2. dude
3. holy fuck


THREE PLACES I WANT TO VISIT:
1. Amsterdam, Netherlands
2. Stockholm, Sweden
3. Cape Town, South Africa... omgz, only THREE?? XO


THREE NAMES THAT I GO BY:
1. Christine
2. Chris
3. Hey You


THREE SCREEN NAMES I HAVE HAD:
1. majyo
2. weezeria
3. kodelka


THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Narrow-minded people with power
2. Big spiders that aren't afraid when you try to shoo them away. =O
3. Big government


THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. lip gloss
2. music
3. the internet


THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Worked Up So Sexual - The Faint
2. Sooner or Later - Breaking Benjamin
3. The Hand That Feeds - NIN


THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. humor
2. honesty
3. trust


TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I've eaten cow tongue on accident.
2. I'm an insomniac.
3. I see things that aren't really there.


THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. smile
2. dark hair
3. the way they hug you


THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Make myself puke.
2. Hit someone in anger.
3. Give up my pillbox.


THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Making stuff
2. Cooking recipes I've never tried
3. Cloud watching


THREE THINGS YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO IN THE NEAR FUTURE:
1. Lunch with Cheri and Krystal tomorrow.
2. And shopping afterwards.
3. Getting my car's A/C fixed


THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Pediatric Nurse
2. Surgical Nurse
3. Chiropractor


What's your name? - Christine Asako
Where were you born? - Okinawa, Japan
What's your favorite color? - Brown
What is your favorite food? - Corn Pizza
What is your favorite movie? - Garden State right now. And Superstar and Old School and and... ^_^
What is your favorite tv show? - TV suxxez
What is your favorite season? - Fall
What is your favorite country? - Nihon
What is your favorite language? - Russian.
What is your favorite day? - New Year's Day
What is your favorite drink? - It's a tie. Tequila Sunrise/Chocolate Martini

Maybe it's the actual cuddling that I miss. To feel a warm heart so close to my own. To know mine isn't beating in a far off space all alone. It doesn't matter now though, I got too comfortable and fucked another opportunity up again. I got so comfortable that I let myself act like myself. It was too raw. Too much. Too early. Not entertaining. Not joking and smiling and playing. People like you for how well you entertain them. That's the initial attraction of friends and lovers I think.. and then from there you slowly show your flaws so that they don't seem so heavy. Then they will care and be concerned for you because they want you to always be that ball of happiness, which is their enjoyment and pleasure that they receive from you (making them smile and feel good about themselves, etc.). Do people mistake this for compassion and love..?

That's had me really wondering lately and it's fucking making me sick to my stomach. I want to gag, and drown myself in vomit if it's true. Just a bunch of fucking animals we all are. Self-gratification is the core.

So friendship is all a big trick? I hate tricks and deception with a passion. Especially nasty, selfish ones like this. But it's everyone's sort of sick way of fulfilling their insatiable desire for companionship, if you really think about it. Without even realizing it, you show your "best qualities" to gain the attraction - your humor, your fun side, your society's most desired traits (which are determined to be desirable based on media which implants those traits into the social structure/ideal of the human mindset.).

Back in Okinawa the only other people I really spent time with besides John were my coworkers. We would chat and I would be "myself" but I was so fucked up back then I'm not even sure of how I must have looked like from the outside. People would come and go with their use for me as they pleased to get higher in the food chain. My boss was one of the only people who ever continued to have faith in me even when I completely went off the deep end. He actually cared when I could no longer pick myself up anymore. He could be my grandfather in age but he always treated me with so much respect and much like... a daughter.. family. Only most daughters probably don't get that sort of treatment. I know I didn't but that's not the point - it's the ideal treatment, the purest of generosities. The kind you only find in your most joyous dreams. The kind where you feel you can run to someone in tears and know that they'll care enough to hug you until you fall asleep. And be there when you wake up to make sure you knew you were still safe and warm.

He doesn't treat me like that anymore though. I continued to fall and didn't get help for myself even though I knew more than anything I needed something.. to uplift me from the blackness of the quicksand that had consumed me. But I just kept fucking up.. and he doesn't love me with that tender kindness any longer. I could feel the distanced glances and indifferent eyes. I was a painful thorn plucked from his side that had been there too long. When I left, he was glad. Glad to see me leave. Out of his hair. "Guess I can't fix this problem of yours, get lost and help yourself. I'm sorry, love."

Even Donna, the one person whom I would talk to for hours at the job was eventually in dismay. We were so close, at least it felt like it to me. But really it was nothing to her is my guess. I still love and admire her so so much. I hope she's safe and happy with her family wherever she is. She gave me the hope that maybe someday I could be like her, even if it's just a tiny bit. So happy and in love with life. Even the downfalls wouldn't shake her off her balancebeam like I always seem to on my own tightwalk. I haven't seen the sky in years. I just have my face smashed into the dirt on the ground. The taste of blood, dust and tears. I feel I'm losing that hope - that I'll never feel the cool air up there again, in perfect equilibrium.

I've been down so long and I don't know how to FUCKING help myself.!!. GOD I suck so much fucking asshole. I don't know if I'll ever be alright again. All the false hopes and medication in the past just doesn't seem to work. The tears keep falling down my cheeks. It's fucking endless and it hurts so much every single time.. more and more.

I don't know what to do with myself. I try so hard to keep my work relations harmonious. I'm so energetic and playful on the job so that everyone around me will remain happy. Smiles always brighten others' days. But it can't be like that all the time. It won't stay like that.. People love conflict, the drama, the tears, the hate. A couple months ago I stepped into the shadows to disappear into the farthest bathroom stall and cried for over an hour. It was the end of the night and they were all cleaning, no more tables left to serve. I felt so fucking guilty that I wasn't helping them clean... but that I was crying uncontrollably and telling myself how stupid and worthless I am. That I would never make it as a nurse because I can't even handle people yelling and disrespecting me at a damn waitress job. That I was ugly as sin and I couldn't believe they actually hired me to serve tables and not work in the back. That I make too many mistakes and I'll never ever be good enough for anyone or anything. It's all that would race through my head while I sobbed in the corner.

Jesus Christ, I'm such a self centered bitch.

I brought myself back up and said that I can be stronger.. that I shouldn't take things at work personally because it was serving a bigger purpose: tuition to help me pay for education towards a career I deeply desire. But then what? I'm going to get there and there will still be assfucks and bitchwagons from straight outta hell. And even when I thought this I still had that lingering self doubt and scolding going on... I don't know what to believe anymore. I've heard it so many times I'm beginning to think it's all true. I just don't fucking know. Fuckfdcfkukcufk. Yes, I feel a tiny bit better. But it all comes back..

Tonight, I completely shut down socially half way through the work night. I wouldn't talk to anyone any more than I had to. I didn't smile except to customers and my heart felt heavy. A couple girls asked if I was alright but they were the ones who had already fallen in love with the bubbly me I believe.. It was a tearful night that I spent running to the bathroom to hide my watery eyes.

I had to return a couple movies I left over at Mike's last weekend. I cried a river all the way there, composed myself while there, and cried all the way home. For my heart, for the world, I don't fucking know. I do know that I must have sounded distant on the phone because I said I just wanted to pick them up and not bother him. I called him last night to ask if he wanted some of my sushi that I'd ordered but he never called back so I was feeling like a fool. I went over and he acted so different. He didn't want anything to do with me and I'm pretty sure he was itching for me to leave. Which is totally understandable since pretty much all he's seen is raw, quiet contemplation from me. Fuck. So I guess that's it. Probably for the best, for him anyway. I hate being a burden and I'd hate myself if I let someone begin to give a damn only to let them down just by being me. He's a great guy, I hope he excels at his job and life. I'm going to get out of his hair...

I have so much love to give but it's trapped behind barbed wire in my heart. It's bulging at the seams and bleeding to death because there's no one to give it to. Or should I say that I don't know how to give it to anyone? And I mean that by means of family, friends, lovers, anyone whom you typically "trick."

I want so badly to hug and be hugged. To learn to love myself so that I can become a productive member of today's world. And to take care of others, to nurture, to help, to reallylove. I have so much work to do but I'm not sure where to begin. I really want to change for the better.. I have to do this on my own, too. I don't want anyone to be burdened with my frustration to become a better person. That thought reminds me of Garden State except I'm all by myself.

I don't know why I'm writing. Nobody fucking reads this bullshit anyway. It doesn't make sense and it's long and it's fucking depressing. I'm so uncreative. All I can say is fuckfuckfuck.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll become preoccupied with my possessions and desires for more materialistic shit tomorrow when I wake the fuck up.

But who needs all that? It's just a way to get people to keep procreating. They stay alive to keep reaching their "wants" and their desires. Their fake lovers and fake friends. Nirvana~whoever reaches nirvana must be on the verge of suicide from the realization or on the verge of pure bliss. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Or do I?

I better quit while I'm ahead..

I want a cigarette. And some sleep.

hmm.. I've been on a crafting binge lately. :) I went to Destin last week with Cherito to go shopping and was ultimately dissatisfied with all the same shit in every store. Although I did walk away with the world's most comfortable bra that she helped me pick out at Victoria's Secret. =D She used to work there so she was giving me all the tips on what was most comfy and stuff. Yay! Those suckers are expensive, but worth it.

Anyway, after hours of browsing online and months of wanting to make something but not having the time, I've decided to create armbands like this today: Wee!



I have some blue plaid fabric from a pair of pants I never wear anymore so I'm gonna start there. ;) I'll post the results. Hopefully it's not too ugly! *crosses fingers*

I'm craving creativity.

I need a book. I wanna check out that visual arts center downtown, too. ;)

Anything real is impossible to talk about. I'm still as socially inept as I ever have been. My inability to communicate verbally is incredibly frustrating. I don't even know why I keep trying. I hate it. "It = the inability" or "It = me?" I'm such a fucking bore. If I could just somehow get my thoughts from one side of my head to my mouth, life would be a lot better. I'm beginning to think it's for the best if I just serve/slave as some sort of tool to society so that I am not a complete waste of space on this planet.. I deserve to be alone because I don't even know how to talk to people. Every encounter with someone new reminds me of that. How do you change if you don't know how to start?

.....

The past couple days of work have been fucking horrific. I stabbed myself on accident, fell backwards on a wet floor and cut my thumb, spilling blood all over the place, humiliated myself in front of a couple of customers (solely my fault), and have made more mistakes with transactions and stuff than humanly possible.

My brain is fried. I want to go to sleep but I know all I'll do is stare into the blackness.

.....

Everyone is distancing themselves from me. I can feel it. And I can't stop it, they just keep backing farther away. My family. My work buddies. Everyone.

.....

Explosions In the Sky make the most beautiful music. I've been listening to them for hours. It's so serene that I know if I keep listening it'll make me cry.

The past week has been really busy and.. interesting. ^.* I met a guy named Mike who lives not too far away from me, well, across the city. He's the sweetest person evar! wee! We actually met on the internet and talked once, then talked on the phone a bit, then met each other the next day for coffee and a movie. I was really nervous because I've never actually met anyone off of the net. It turned out really cool, though. I feel so comfortable and at home with him, which is really strange because I very rarely warm up to people right away (if ever). I like him a lot, he's so thoughtful and silly. :) He's a tattoo artist on the beach and I saw his portfolio - he's really talented! I don't know where this is going or if he considers it a fling or what, but I hope it ends up somewhere great. ^_^

Anyhoo, we're supposed to go out for a movie today, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I haven't read it yet, unfortunately. I've been really slacking on the reading lately. He just came back from Viva Las Vegas from a convention so I can't wait to see him again. meep. I'm scared.

Exams are over and I have all summer to vegetate. Yay! I decided not to take Anatomy & Physiology during the summer because the only professor teaching it was really horrible (or so I heard). I might take another class during Summer B term.

I need to feed Baby Donna, she's lookin hungry. ^.*

And I have no clue what to get my mother yet... grr..